Buildup

And yet I've hit a few barriers since the last time I've posted anything.

It's been an interesting and tough 1-2 years since I began this blog.

I've had my up and downs.
Highs and lows.

Pregnancy and loss.
Dealing with all of the grief that comes with it.
Wanting to cry every time I see a child.
Thinking to myself, " That could been me..."
Whilst crying on the inside/ Smiling on the outside so none would see my pain and longing.
I just to be like everyone else.
But I'm different.  Why is it so hard for me to grasp that fact? I still don't know to this day. And somehow, I just can't accept this most days.

I struggle with sadness/acceptance on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others & some days I literally want to sit at home, curled up in my bathtub & let the pain wash down the drain. But I don't.  I soilder on, put on a smile to let the world know I'm sorta ok/great(even when I'm not either of those words most days) & carry myself as though nothing is wrong. It's hard & I understand that.  But life doesn't just stop because I've reached a fork in the road & don't know which path to take.

But there's always that one person that I'm trying to make happy. To please, to put it simpler wording. I grew up a people pleaser,  and came seem to break the habit. Sometimes,  I distrust and disgust myself with what/who I've become. And what I'll never be.

I feel as though I let down tons of people daily & that there's nothing I can do to make it right.

Can I smile and try to keep happy for them?
Do I distance myself and let them work out their lives/while also trying the same thing for myself(knowing I'll fail).

I feel as though I'm constantly butting into other people's lives.  That I'm interfering with their progress in life's journey.

I just don't know what to do/say/feel.
As though I'm emotionally shut down at times.

I feel helpless as they cry and confess their greatest fears/nightmares. I want to give my precious person/people the world & so much more.
But I can't convey that from my brain to my mouth to form the word(s).

And yet...

I try my hardest to convey what they mean to me.
(INSERT STEVEN UNIVERSE SONG: WHAT AM I TO YOU?)
___________<(-.-<)_______________________

I'm bad at expressing what I truthfully want/need/desire. But one of my best friends knows me well. She knows when I'm just not feeling it & will try get damndest to make me happy or just to see me smile; And I love her for it.  💖
But I feel as though I'm not doing enough for her happiness(anyone's) really. 😨

I feel useless, stupid & a HUGE letdown for all of my friends/ family(near & far).💔
____________<(-.-<)________________________
I honestly can say that up until now, I've made no major discoveries or done something great.
That I'll never discover what I was put here for(other than some cruel joke.
That I'll never accomplish anything at this point and will die with this regret.

To never say I'm sorry/goodbye.
To lose myself/To myself.

And yet...

I feel as though I've failed.
Let me start over...

I feel as though I've failed to become a mother. While others around me are succeeding. It's so hard to watch others who didn't think of having a family/obtain one.
I'm left wondering if I'll ever get my chance.

Sometimes, I feel as though
Someone out there is laughing it up at me.
As if my trying to become a parent what futile at best.

I know that I'm told (on a regular basis) that it's not my fault. That it just wasn't meant to be. Or the usual "I'm sorry for your loss/I'm sorry that this happened to you."

It can be quite a frustrating thing to hear regularly and tbh I'm tired of hearing it.
I just want to forget at times the loss of my 3 children. The 2 that I never got to meet or hold. All 3 of them a combination of my DH and I. I just want to be like everyone else(in the mother sense).

At times I want to just cry and give up. Because nothing I'm doing seems to make any of this better.

A recent note:

One of my best friends just had her daughter.
She seemed content and happy that she was finally here. My son was to be born 3 months after her.  I was so excited for the 2 to meet.

But that's besides the point...
I'll get to that part of the story...

Back to my friend. I went to visit her the next day. The baby(named Joselyn) was beautiful in her own little right. I just wanted to well up with tears and cry at this moment. Because I'd never had one/wondering if I'd ever get that moment.
Instead, I decided not to cry and gave the baby back to her mother. I told my friend that she was adorkable and stifled my sadness.
I was contacted earlier by her husband(Also a good friend of mine) to watch their oldest. He's 3 & had no-one to watch him that day. I immediately said yes.
But was asked if it's alright and if I'm ok emotionally since I've had my loss. I informed him that I'm ok and that doesn't matter because they needed someone to help with the babysitting of their oldest.
I'd been a big part of this kids life since day one.

All in all, I do what I can to help them out... but feel as though I'm not doing enough or good enough.
Even if it breaks my heart whenever I see the happiness of a family. A baby to call theirs and none for me.

The life and times of me waiting for a game to be released...

Now I'm also a gamer...

And a die hard STH (Sonic the Hedgehog) fan and have been one since I first come into contact with the franchise and major gaming icon. I've laughed,  cried and been upset with everything and more about this eeies.

It's moved and shaken me into releasing rage quits and determination. The determination to finish a game. The determination to love life to the fullest. My undying love for the color blue. The catchy music I've grown to love and meld into my everyday life.

The happiness I felt when I got to see the Sonic Mania announcement trailer & anticipation of the relate date for 2017. I'm teally excited that tots going to be reminencent of the Genesis incarnations with the new drop dash feature added in.

I'm elated that they're bringing back the special stages form S3&K (Sonic 3 & Knuckles) and slightly tweaking the lvl from Sonic thru Sonic &Knuckles. I rally cannot stress that I cannot wait for this game to become a reality. And km proud to say that I will be investing in the collectors edition as well. I really do want that golden ring... soon my precious...
Soon! You will be mine and I will love you forever.

Psst...!

It's been a very long time since I've actually taken this journey of blogging and I would love to stay current.
If this blog offends you...
Then please back out. This blog will be about my life and times as I live them. If you don't like it then please leave.

Otherwise...
       Sit back...
Relax....
        And...
                       Enjoy the show as it progresses...

                            Thank You

Psst... Guess what?!? Life.
That's what.

It makes you think anybody each and every decision that you make.
"Should I stay friends with this person?"
"Left or right?"
And many other things you may have contemplated.
I for one can honestly say that there are some things that I definitely regret in life and that there are some that I don't.
But you know... I've contemplated what my life would be been like I'd I chose the opposite of what I did.
Would I be a better person?
Would I have succeeded in something instead of failing?
Maybe I'd of had an easier time if I put in effort (insert ideas here).
Basically what I'm saying is that no one really knows what exactly is in store for themselves.
Honestly I'm extremely suprised th as t I've made it all the way to lvl 27 (age 27).
I really thought I was age bad child and my parents would've killed me.
I felt like as I got older that I couldn't really do anything right. That my younger sister was better than me at basically everything. I felt as if my parents really loved her more because she was way more fragile than I was. She had complications with her health since birth and always had to be taken care of. I really did loathe my parents because eof this as I crested into becoming a teenager. But also as I got older I realized that I was changing each passing day. Making new friends and branching out in life.

I was regularly the subject if ridicule as a young teen. I was a steadfast member in my home church back home. But as I pressed in the years enduring life, being a teen and later finding out my father had cancer. I attempted to keep smiling. Even though I was hurting. I attempted and still to this day attempt to keep my problems to a kinimum. This is because I've just dealt with what I like to call 'Emotional Blackmail' from the first day that I became a teenager until this moment now.... But as stated before, I've come to just accept it and move along.
I'm not saying this this is what everyone else needs t ok do..I'm saying its what I do to deal with basically anything that o truly do not want to deal with. I don't like to worry my close friends or family. So to keep them from overworrying... I basically Tty to keep to myself.